changing

the world around us is changing at a steady pace. there is a slight chill in the wind as it hits my face. leaves are already starting to see their wintery fate. crinkling on the ground. summery days have come and passed. cardigans, hoodies and sweaters come out from hibernation. i've missed you so. few short hours my (real) last first day will be completed. a long 15 weeks up ahead. pushing through to get to the finish line and be handed that one single piece of paper we all desire. Always aware of the world around me. what comes in and what goes out. what stays awhile and what is only here for vacation. some vacations are longer than others. to quote nikki, i thought it was a "lifer". i'm on what seems to be my everlasting quest for love. i'm bored with the ones that only use me as a stepping stone to get to one of my friends. i will not be used in such a way. The ones made my heart pitter patter never really seemed to be worth it in the end. Although there is one male that I think I should be giving a chance to... i just wish i knew a way to contact him...

reflections on the past 3 months...
i worked more than one little peanut in the world of big peanuts should ever work.
i enjoyed the celebration of love
i got teary eyed at the celebration of a life (rip nikki's papa)
i picnic-ed in orient point
i beat the evil monster known as statistics
i made a friend or two


predictions of the next three months...
classes til my heart cant bear it. papers. tests.
working 20 hours a week. (i can handle that)
the desire to make friends. I want one in each class.
meet boys. a natural way.
wedding photographer.
baby shower.
becoming an aunt! <3
holidays
friends/family (cuz i have them both now!)
my best and her best. must spend more time with and around them.
movies. need to watch more. culture myself.
go to yoga with meg.
keep my room clean for an entire semester.

sometimes....

Sometimes all you need is a nice boy from work to walk you to your car late at night after work to make you smile.

i never want to be like you....

How are you supposed to respect and actually love someone when you really cant stand them? It's a little odd to me. I do love and respect him. But I dont even like him.

When I have kids i will:
always be there for them.
not have a short temper.
give them the answer i really want to give them the first time around.
keep my word.
not be the "no parent"
help them when they have a problem.
not make them feel like crap when something went wrong.
guide them.
make them think that when things go wrong that it is their fault unless it actually is.

all in all... i know i have your genes and there are a lot of common ground between us.. but i dont want to be like you. Any part of you. ever.

wedding.

The only man I ever need....

this is my little Gizmo... isn't he lovely?

All over again...

I very much feel like things were ended with Justin all over again.... but it wasnt the same situation and it wasnt Justin, but i am hurting and reacting the same way i did when it came to him. my whole body was convulsing, I wasnt crying, but i was angry in a very sad way... I need to erase from my life.. just like I did with Justin. it was helpful to get over him when there was no sign of him around... i guess it starts with pictures and putting them in a box....

So new goal.. DONT LET ANYONE BREAK DOWN THE WALL...

lets see how well THAT works...

This hurts. my heart hurts. my head hurts. i am dehydrated from crying. my muscles ache from the convulsions.

Say you’re sorry, that face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As i paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you 
Holding on the days drag on
Stupid girl, I should’ve known
I should’ve known

I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairytale 
I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet 
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain’t hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it’s too late for you and your white horse
To come around

Maybe I was naïve, got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
My mistake, I didn’t know to be in love 
You had to fight to have the upper hand 
I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings, well now I know


I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairytale 
I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet 
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain’t hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down 
Now it’s too late for you and your white horse
To come around

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted, but I’m so sorry. . .

Cause I’m not your princess, this ain’t a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday
Who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And it’s too late for you and your white horse
Now it’s too late for you and your white horse
To catch me now

Oh try and catch me now
It’s too late to catch me now


-White Horse (Taylor Swift)