some people just dont read the warning...

New Years Resolutions

i've never been one of those people that make resolutions. or one of those people that stick to resolutions for that matter. However, this year, something must be in the water. I feel like something is different. I'm Freer. my heart is lighter and larger. I'm ready to take on the challenges that a resolution has to throw at me. i'm ready to start the new year. with a new mind. an educated mind. a mind that has its own mind. set on its own goals. BRING IT ON!

365 days of photos. one photo a day. that i can use in a portfolio or something in a professional environment. This will help me learn my camera. and to take more meaningful photos. I look forward to the challenge. This will be fun.

gym. gym. gym. the amount of time that i want to spend there in one week. I also just purchased another game for the wii fit. I want to use that the same amount of time that i want to be spending in the gym.

I'm also looking for a healthy mind. a healthy body. a healthy spirit. starting with healthier eats. less junk. more oatmeal. more fruit. more veggies.

lastly. budget. I need to save my money. i need to set a limit for the week of what i can spend. and stick to it. I make enough money where i should be able to save about 500 a month. atleast. instead it ends up to less than 3. how does that happen? Not anymore. I must save and it starts now!

2010. I like you already.

thought of the day

have you ever had multiple people you dont know ask how you are. Actually you're sick and miserable because people are mean. and each time you say I'm good, how are you? what is going on. why cant you just load everything you are feeling onto strangers? I just think its weird that people ask you such a genuine question of how you're doing... and then you lie to them. its odd. And an interesting world we live in.

Cole Andrew
11.26.09
4ish pm.
15 hours of waiting for this bundle.



it was worth it.
i'd do it again.
for him.

it was only a dream

Ever have a dream that felt so real in the moment? Where you wake up and your heart is racing because you felt like you actually just lived it? I had that feeling this morning. It was the scariest dream I think I've ever had. I was being stalked. conspired against by someone who has a trusting position. set free in a place where i spent a lot of my childhood. and gave myself away to the authority because i left my registration by the dead bodies.

so real. so lifelike. so heated. so dark.

I wanted more than anything for it to be over. I was afraid to fall back asleep after waking up that the dream would start over. Luckily it was peaceful and dreamless.

the way slumber should be.

Friends.

Are what make me not want to leave school. Its scary. the world is scary. More time would be nice. but to do what with? I manage my time fine now... I might be afraid that if i have more time to myself I might really see. my rose colored lenses are just fine for now thank you!

also. I wish I dormed. Not for the college experience... but for more friends.

People are so beautiful. seriously. Look into people's hearts. You'll see. Sometimes people are afraid of what they don't know and what they can't see. Open your heart and mind to someone else's inner beauty. You might even surprise yourself.

seriously.... lol

He's lucky he's my friend

Brady made me do it.

It has me surrounded.

I feel like this past week has had me surrounded by ugliness. Things that make me cringe. fights. attitudes. concerns for no reason. being sick. my personal favorite *cough cough* getting mad at someone for trying to protect them from getting sick.
I dont know how to explain it other than ugliness. I wish my life were full of daisies, hugs, and icecream. however, this week is a week with no daisies. little hugs. and not the icecream i want.

just give me some peace please!

It's a beautiful thing.

Surrounding yourself with beautiful people makes your life beautiful.

People often say that 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder,' and I say that the most liberating thing about beauty is realizing that you are the beholder. This empowers us to find beauty in places where others have not dared to look, including inside ourselves.
- Salma Hayek

Think about it.

My manager mentioned today that the world would be cured of all its problems if all women smiled.

yes. you read that correctly.

He continues to tell me that people in the middle east are so miserable because the women cover their faces.
Also mentioned was that if a woman smiled at the man that was just about to commit suicide or rob a bank or start a war then that man would not kill himself or rob that bank or start that war. The world would be a happier more blissful place.

What do you think?

A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion
are the things which renew humanity.
-Buddha

Change.

I want to turn this blog into something that can be relate-able. I want to write about the absurdities of people. Silly things people say. Other peoples views on life and the world. Not so much about me. but more on a level that people would want to read. Who really cares if I fight with so and so. or i snuggle up with some boy. sure its all great. but does it really matter in the scheme of life? Absolutely not.

Are you ready for this?

Do not need.

I do not need people in my life who think one thing about me and say something different to my face. Why bother?

Hard-core.

Who: the entire class.
What: Getting to class at least 15 minutes early.
When: Wednesday afternoon
Where: The classroom
Why: What I am going to discuss
How: By using your legs.

So Wednesday I got to the campus early for my class and decided I would go early because I was excited to play PONG and I might have wanted to get a comfy chair. When I got there 15 minutes early... there was only a few comfy chairs lefts. There are only about 15 or 18 for a class of 30 something. So I was shocked and as I saw people come in, they thought they were early, they saw that there were no chairs left. My question is, is it the class, or the chairs that get you there so early?

I had a brief discussion with my friend Lee about this. He and I both decided it was the chairs. Even though everyone must be super stoked for PONG or whatever game it is that we are playing that day, but everyone really gets their but there early to sit it in a chair.

Let me explain these chairs to you. They are leather. Can swivel. Rolly. The perfect gaming chair for the video game fanatics. Let me tell you, the chairs are well worth it.

It's not easy being green.

So I realize that most people would find this crazy. But the leaves arent even all on the ground yet dancing with the wind, and my mind is wrapped about Christmas and the shopping that is involved with it. I dont want to be that person last minute in the store. I'd rather be outside enjoying the sunshine, or snow, or christmas lights, or whatever else it is that i miss during the season because I am shopping or making or whatever.

So yesterday started it. I got my little unborn nephew... DONE. and Meg, Nikki, Bp and my mother started. I think I am on a very good start.

changing

the world around us is changing at a steady pace. there is a slight chill in the wind as it hits my face. leaves are already starting to see their wintery fate. crinkling on the ground. summery days have come and passed. cardigans, hoodies and sweaters come out from hibernation. i've missed you so. few short hours my (real) last first day will be completed. a long 15 weeks up ahead. pushing through to get to the finish line and be handed that one single piece of paper we all desire. Always aware of the world around me. what comes in and what goes out. what stays awhile and what is only here for vacation. some vacations are longer than others. to quote nikki, i thought it was a "lifer". i'm on what seems to be my everlasting quest for love. i'm bored with the ones that only use me as a stepping stone to get to one of my friends. i will not be used in such a way. The ones made my heart pitter patter never really seemed to be worth it in the end. Although there is one male that I think I should be giving a chance to... i just wish i knew a way to contact him...

reflections on the past 3 months...
i worked more than one little peanut in the world of big peanuts should ever work.
i enjoyed the celebration of love
i got teary eyed at the celebration of a life (rip nikki's papa)
i picnic-ed in orient point
i beat the evil monster known as statistics
i made a friend or two


predictions of the next three months...
classes til my heart cant bear it. papers. tests.
working 20 hours a week. (i can handle that)
the desire to make friends. I want one in each class.
meet boys. a natural way.
wedding photographer.
baby shower.
becoming an aunt! <3
holidays
friends/family (cuz i have them both now!)
my best and her best. must spend more time with and around them.
movies. need to watch more. culture myself.
go to yoga with meg.
keep my room clean for an entire semester.

sometimes....

Sometimes all you need is a nice boy from work to walk you to your car late at night after work to make you smile.

i never want to be like you....

How are you supposed to respect and actually love someone when you really cant stand them? It's a little odd to me. I do love and respect him. But I dont even like him.

When I have kids i will:
always be there for them.
not have a short temper.
give them the answer i really want to give them the first time around.
keep my word.
not be the "no parent"
help them when they have a problem.
not make them feel like crap when something went wrong.
guide them.
make them think that when things go wrong that it is their fault unless it actually is.

all in all... i know i have your genes and there are a lot of common ground between us.. but i dont want to be like you. Any part of you. ever.

wedding.

The only man I ever need....

this is my little Gizmo... isn't he lovely?

All over again...

I very much feel like things were ended with Justin all over again.... but it wasnt the same situation and it wasnt Justin, but i am hurting and reacting the same way i did when it came to him. my whole body was convulsing, I wasnt crying, but i was angry in a very sad way... I need to erase from my life.. just like I did with Justin. it was helpful to get over him when there was no sign of him around... i guess it starts with pictures and putting them in a box....

So new goal.. DONT LET ANYONE BREAK DOWN THE WALL...

lets see how well THAT works...

This hurts. my heart hurts. my head hurts. i am dehydrated from crying. my muscles ache from the convulsions.

Say you’re sorry, that face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As i paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you 
Holding on the days drag on
Stupid girl, I should’ve known
I should’ve known

I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairytale 
I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet 
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain’t hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it’s too late for you and your white horse
To come around

Maybe I was naïve, got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
My mistake, I didn’t know to be in love 
You had to fight to have the upper hand 
I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings, well now I know


I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairytale 
I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet 
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain’t hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down 
Now it’s too late for you and your white horse
To come around

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted, but I’m so sorry. . .

Cause I’m not your princess, this ain’t a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday
Who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And it’s too late for you and your white horse
Now it’s too late for you and your white horse
To catch me now

Oh try and catch me now
It’s too late to catch me now


-White Horse (Taylor Swift)

*sigh*

Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Make me a match,
Find me a find,
catch me a catch
Matchmaker, Matchmaker
Look through your book,
And make me a perfect match


Thats what I need... a Yente.

Life Is Like A Box of... Crayons? ((never know which one you're gonna get))

I was looking on myspace at some photographer's page and this is what she wrote.. i read it and now i NEED to share it!

" Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type.. I'm like, "hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, 'no - I want magenta!' "


Thank you girl I dont know for sharing this with me. It has been a little enlightening to me.

Something weird is happening in '09. I dont know what it is, but I certainly do not like it! People are changing, personalities are clashing. I am different. I am unsure of what it is that is happening. It was mentioned to me that maybe it was because the people who "count time" or whatever it is had to add a second or subtract one (i dont think she remembered either) and that could be twisting and messing with people. I dont exactly know how that would affect people and they way there are acting. but '09.... i do not like you!



Onto more interesting matters.
I auditioned this morning for HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2. It was certainly refreshing for me to get back out there and just do an audition. I havent auditioned for anything in 2 years. It was like "wow this is what it feels like to audition and do everything that i love, i forgot how awesome this feels"... auditions suck though... always. its fact. I generally forget my words and can never do dance moves, because i feel like i am 'dancingly chanllenged' and yeah, it's a technical term. But overall, I think I did okay. I am not really expecting to get in, but if i do... i might have a party!!! And if i dont get in, I might be a little bummed but that doesnt mean I wont audition ever again, because this is my life and it will continue to be my life. :o)

Here's a trip down memory lane...

As much as i like the snowy cold weather. i think i miss the days when i can lay on the grass and feel the breeze and enjoy the sun. I am feeling quite nostaligic lately. It's so weird to think about the past and long for the things that are no longer there. Things arent always going to be the same. exactly like the seasons. With the passing of each seasons brings new adventures, love, friends, tears, experiences and memories. It's odd when you really think about even just a year ago. What were you doing? Who was your best friend? Are they still that important to you? What boy was in your life?

.sigh. keep the nostalgia coming!!!!

Food for thought.

It's the new year. Officially. It's here. '09! What is it that I want out of this new year. I have 365 days to make my life into something. If not this year, then maybe '10 will be that year. But lets not get too ahead of ourselves shall we? I do know that graduation is this year, losing 20 pounds is around the corner and continued happiness. Maybe I should change some of my lifestyle in addition to my appearance, how about a boy to last in my life? someone that is just perfect for me in every way. Do I already know him? Will I meet him this year? Is he waiting for me? We'll see... I also want to go green in '09. Be more conscious of the environment and the things that are important. I would like to stick by these things, but do people even make resolutions anymore?

Christmas time is always a sad time for our family. Grandma and Grandpa both died the week before christmas in '99 and '00. Mom and I went to the cemetary on Christmas. It was nice to bring them to the front of my thoughts. I mean I think about them every day whether I know it or not, but just to be standing in front of the tombstone was like "whoa, I have really been living without these people in my life" it was such a shock for me. I mean I used to call them every night before I went to bed when I was in elementary school. I always think, "I wish they could see me in a play, or hear me sing, or watch me act" but I mean I know that they are proud of me and love me, they always have and always will. I wish I had a picture of them on my computer, because I would post it here. When I think of a guy that I want to be with, I try to think of all the qualities Grandpa had. He was the perfect man. He took care of my Grandma like you wouldnt believe. They were so much in love. It was the cutest thing ever. (I of course never realized all this then, but looking back on it, it is so obvious) He was hardworking and caring and loving and funny and I always remember that he gave the best hugs. *sigh* I really do miss them.

Not only was the Cemetary part of my Christmas, but as always there was Chinese food and a movie involved. Mom and I saw four christmases. It was pretty okay. I mean I have seen better movies by the both of them, but overall it was decent. After all that, I went over to Nicole's for the usual Festivities. It was nice and fun.

Day after was a Motley Krew Christmas. Here's just an idea of what we're like...









I also want to keep track of all the things that I learn in this new year. I think its important to learn new things and new ways and what have you. So I'll start right now with a wire hanger will take static out of clothing items by taking the electricity and making it go into the hanger... crazy right???